I am an asshole.
Perhaps a recovering asshole, but as the saying goes, “Once an asshole,
always an asshole.” If you are a white
male whose life began in the United States between World War II and when
Kennedy was slain in Dallas, you might be an asshole too. If you’ve got a few bucks in your bank
account, a respectable title after your name, a house or houses paid for, and a
family that mostly tolerates you, then you are probably an asshole. Add to that a membership at a country club, a
seat on someone else’s board (and yes charitable boards count too), and money
contributed to political candidates or Super PACs, you are most definitely an
asshole. But, “Wait!” you say, “You’ve just described what a successful American
man is supposed to be! You are talking
about what Tom Wolfe celebrated in his 1998 book, A Man in Full.” Yes, but
success, or being “full,” doesn’t make you likeable; rather, it probably
assures your membership in an unprecedented and oversubscribed club of assholes.
Just look
around you if you think I am exaggerating, or if you think I may be spiraling
into a dive of self-deprecation. Ask
yourself, is that older white man you know really all that nice? Does he listen when spoken to, or is his mind
occupied by what he is going to say or do next?
Does he care for his spouse, children, and friends as well as he cares
for his many possessions? Does he
actually do charitable work, or just
write checks and show up at the ball?
Does he yell at other white male pundits on TV, or stare at the charts
and crawl on CNBC? Does ESPN stream on
his smartphone on weekends during the only significant time he has to spend
with you? Does he have the answer for everything? See, we assholes
are everywhere. But, it is not all our
fault. We became what we were expected
to become, and damnit, it was easy.
We came of
age in the final and glorious ascent of America, when the U.S. became a
superpower that defeated godless communism, and then ushered in the digital
age. We helped create more wealth than
the world has ever seen (even though much of it proved illusory in 2008). We were taught to play to win, not to
collaborate. We sought promotions even
if we only met half of the stated qualifications. Our lives became a series of objectives
without any end in sight. Our mantra is
“More!” Sometimes also “Better!” (in
deference to fellow asshole Steve Jobs), but always “More!” More money, more power, and more toys. Confident? Damn right we are. We view successor generations of American
males as narcissistic pussies, if and when we consider them at all. Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Chris Matthews,
Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are all assholes (even though the last two are
much more clever assholes). Presidents
Clinton and Bush? Yup. Donald Trump?
Duh! Collectively, we institutionalized
the American male asshole.
To be sure, women can be assholes
too, but they usually need a book to tell them how. Recent contributions to this field to train female
assholes include Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean
In, Arianna Huffington’s Thrive,
and Katty Kay and Claire Shipman’s The
Confidence Code. It is worth noting
that the best-trained female assholes achieve aptitudes that meet or eclipse
the Trumps and Limbaughs, but it is not a natural disposition; it is
learned. Sadly, too often in an
irreversible manner. Unlike male
assholes, female converts are unlikely to return to a more reasonable or
graceful state. Just ask their female
cohorts upon whom they direct most of their acquired asshole skills.
There are
some things, however, that we male assholes can do to affect our
liberation. While those like Trump and
Limbaugh are clearly beyond help, the rest of us run-of-the-mill assholes can
escape more or less intact, and we might even enjoy our lives a great deal
more. Here are six suggestions.
1. The
first step is to realize that if your life is all about, or mostly about,
yourself, it is a life of no significance whatsoever. I don’t care how much
money you have, or houses, or places that have your name on the wall, your
family and friends will likely be quietly pleased when you are gone. They may even do what they can to accelerate
your departure. (Be careful when signing
that power of attorney.)
2. The
next step is to realize that yes, my aspiring Buddha buddies, less is
more. Get rid of all your crap. Downsize your footprint on the world by
living smaller. Introduce yourself to
the Goodwill Donation Station and slip a Benjamin in the pocket of that Brioni
suit you donate to the next poor schmuck who wants to be like you. Trade complexity for simplicity. If you do, you will have time for what
follows below, rather than spending your day acquiring and maintaining more
stuff.
3. Next,
take a lesson in humility and go back to school. It has probably been years since you had your
butt kicked, and seeking an advanced degree will do that and more. Study something well beyond your current
knowledge or skills. The ultimate goal
is to unlock your head and become a whole-minded person again, like you were
when you were a boy. Then once you think
you know something new, apply or teach that knowledge to something or someone
else.
4. Serve
and share. Stop writing checks to charities and showing up with your newly
bleached teeth for the social pages photo-op.
Pick a place in your community and actually volunteer your time and
energy. Get dirty in the reality of the
lives of non-assholes. There won’t be a
new plaque on the wall with your name on it, but you might actually like
yourself better in the process. And, express
gratitude for the opportunity to serve.
Trust me, you will get more out of it than they will.
5. Create
rather than optimize or maximize. As I
have written here before, Renoir claimed only beautiful things are truly
durable. Aesthetics are as important as
function. (Jobs understood this.) Leave your optimizing and maximizing skills
behind and focus on creation for the sake of creation. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it
appeals to your senses first, and your analytics last.
6. Slow
down, dude. Breathe. Speed is no longer your friend. Enjoy
movement frame by frame – as a set of still photos rather than high-def
video. You’ll be amazed by what you have
been missing, and it just may add years to your life.
Follow these steps and you may
just make it out of the club. Moreover,
people may actually, genuinely, like you again.
Or, stay on the path you are on and get thick, frail, and even angrier
than you are today. After all, the
Senator McCains of the world need someone to listen to them.
